I am a writer, an artist, an actress, a sociologist without a degree giving myself rights to call myself so. Before it all I am human being discovering who am I. On this and that road I left behind me a book called “Noise of silence”. My first baby which is waiting to be published. Not so famous past, with head hitting the wall, few scars here and there and power of healing presence. Behind me are also few not so much liked jobs and two volunteering positions. Few paintings and handmade jewerly. Self criticsm that no matter what I do it’s not good enough. As while discovering about web development and modern age slavery I had to go back to my roots as a caveman from time to time still stuck there while searching for my place in this world where I will be able to fit, serve and earn for living. Now in front of me is plenty of free time.
Dear man make sure you make your woman warm and gentle remind her that u love her. Be food to her and nurture her femininity. Dear women make sure to show your men your weakness and to be a mother, lover like.
As we all need is more love, compassion and understanding for each other in order for inner growth. Before all respect for each other as its good tu be a (hu)man or (WO)man.
Out of nothing
Something brought me back to my childhood where everything was possible and easy. After long isolation, fears and stupid thoughts for the first time today decided to face the society. Felt alive but went back home , can’t sleep, can’t think, not knowing where or what I am doing with my life. Just starring and wondering when will stop and when I will feel my way..
Now learning to let go of my selfishness and going on the path of meditation and overcoming all of those things. Inspired by Dalai Lama and Deepak Chopra, putting energy into compassion and watching all of those people from all around the world who are the same as me, with same dreams, same struggles, same issues, same problems, and asking myself why i would be the lucky one who would deserve everything served on the plate.
Why? Because its my call, its my path and i can handle it all. In my eyes tears and all the planet fitting into this black whole of infinte wonder of this beautiful exsistence and time which is now, mostly being on time. Running away when i am on the final step on suceeding, than falling down like waterfall. First feeling scared, but than imagining it as a waves who are hitting stones and making that beautiful sound. But i am not stone, i am human.
Ada lake full of people discussing something, found myself in few talks, but as i learned, nothing personal.
Anda „hahah what she has been dreaming, ahahah she is dreaming about America“.
Me… Hm why not. I have been studying sociology, tried to get back, wasnt must welcomed, but who cares about me and why they have been looking my business and stuff.. Nevermind.
In beautiful city, beautiful country, full of beautiful people, surrounded by family who was full of love.
Friend skype: „what happened “?
„ I dont know, but brother was singing „If you going to San Francisco bring some flowers in your hear“. and singing it loud, like the civil war is going on… o.O
But I am here. America is so far away.
Yes, since i was a child a was dreaming to be an actrees, to go to Hollywood and be the best in it. But i dont have any money and noone is willing to help me to achieve such dream.
Went to studies of acting in Novi Sad, to the best actrees in country; Jasna Đuričić. But left it, as it wasnt Hollywood, as it wasnt culture as i expected, as it wasnt art i was dreaming and hoping for.
Now, everything changed… except me… full of scars, stories, sitting in my room, in front of my desktop, still dreaming of America, of career of better life, of acceptence of my stubborn personality who is satisfied with love and any job.
Yes, I am talented, yes, I am multitasking person, yes, i am organized, yes, i am prepered well for any challenge which, until now, have been only failures, until i looked at myself and said wow girl, the flowers you grow are so beautiful that i dont know to how to offer.
Dare to dream!
Pink: „Dream big“.
„Welcome to Serbia, welcome to my bipolar disorders, welcome to my darkness, welcome to my tears, welcome to my music, welcome to my succesfful healing methods, welcome to my mess, welcome to my heaven and welcome to my hell“.
Come a little closer
Come a little closer, than you see…
But as mentioned above, there is no job, there are no friends, there is no courses for only yoga , there is nothing. There is no life. Or here is no life. Only misery, crises and exploited young naive girl who grow up to fast. No regrets, no shame, hold on, i gotta go. Where? How? And why not? Because of money?
To ex who left me because of state. To Bojan who my mom is calling and molestating. To noone as both said fuck off. To local dealers to get weed to calm down… Hello? There is noone.
My birthday is coming, fake family smile, no friends around, puppy died last night. Its not depression, its sadness. Went to another hospital, stayed there one month and wrote a book called noise of my silence. Noise of witness who went to hospital, said hey i am healthy, but i dont have answers on my situation mentioned above, im JUST listening NASA.
„You listening Nasa, ha? A?“ Tied for a bed, although i was peaceful, got strong injections and day after started my diary. I was in coma.
Hospitalization in another hospital, was more investigation about my book than a help for my health and situation.
Sad, no? But with desire to live a life, started using my talents and than decided why to not write on english and let someone else here my story and accept me as a human being, as a refugee who is willing to work for food, rent, bills and life.
Oh, no, someone heared my voice out of madness and got revolution, stones in my stomack and masses more and more molestating, humilating and throwing their hate and rocks on me.
„Hey they dont like us here, they abuse us here, so wake me up when its all over“.
Do you, dear reader, hear the scream „WHEEEEEEEEEN“?
Hear my mom: „Hey we got cute, peacful puppy, someone wants to addopt me“?
Me: „Maybe America?“
Mom: „Oh no, lets wait someone rich to marry you and give us money and music and you be like a doll and barby, just smiling and prettending how you are enjoying“.
But i do. my name is love
Woke up this morning. Went to city, saw strangers looking straight at me with wild eyes, sending some msg. Hoax or treat.
Night before it was sleepless, that day I was like on heroin.
People was talking, weather was wild. Cried to my ex „hey I dont know those strangers, who are violently entering in my room and raping my being while i am deciding what to do with my life. Went on sewing course, something happened, didnt learned nothing, speech was more about something else. Hm…
Bought ukulele and tried to made some music, to calm down guns around me.
Belgrade, Serbia. State of my case lasting more than 3 years. They made me sick, ill and unhealthy with different methods, such as isolation, talks about diseases, offenses, following me with cars and everywhere i go and everything i do. No piece of mind, no time for meditating on river. Someone is always behind your back, speaking something on your years, directly.
Cried to my ex again. It said get a job. Went to work as a waitress. My job was to serve a drinks, but all i heared was CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA, wondered why, my job become to be a laweyr, a lover, a whore in soviet state. Left job and decided to go back to studies, while trying to concentrete, students was whispering CIA CIA CIA, proffesors was speaking and deconcentrating me. Failed.
Went back home, hot summer day. Being bored, decided to use my talents, to share yoga and breathing tehniques made workshop, but people who came on my classes came from different reasons. It wasnt at all about teaching, yoga or whatever it was about game called CHIA.
Desperate, called NASA, told them what is about it, heared their advice and continued with my life, meeting people, saying them hi, searching for a job. But noone wanted to talk with me, like something is wrong with me. Noone wanted to give me a job. Tortures at home. And my life become life of caged elephant stucked between four walls. Cried, begged and prayed to leave this country and never come back. Something like lonley wolf crying for it tribe.
Process continued. Went to doctors, have been to mental hospital, got scars, traumas and memories which will never fade away.
Without friends, went alone to go out, to see culture , music, people. But all what has been going was some speech about me, offenses and endless humilation which is lasting 24h.
Who to call? Serbian police, Serbian social workers( as my parents have been and still are physically and psyhologicaly torturing me). Got advice, take your medicines , find a boyfriend, do excirses, find a job and move on.
In the end I was playing song paranoid from the black Sabbath, smoke another joint, somehow mad on myself and went to sleep with hope for different, fresh morning which would last all day. In my cases, while working, all day and night long.
Uh. i was just about to build a website and i made demo page, was nice and landed good on the market place. BUT as you can read socialE good. So I got on idea to spread the idea of my perhaps future website here.
What was website about?
about internet, network and socializing
so what me and my friends do is you ask, we do research and in next 24h deliver you the answer. in this case, maybe longer, as i am working on my novel.
you can check “introduction” post.
So, go ahead, dont be shy, and ask or shoot whatever is or has been on your soul 🙂
work with love,
Hello, i just wanted to say hi. Im someone’s husband with little respect, but started discovering dirty, nasty and pretty secrets from my woman. I dunno can I say that I am proud of her, but in some sense I am, as it stayed true to herself somehow with some scar here and there. I am here to support her on her way and wish her the best luck while deciding what to do with her life. Heared that it had been in many shits and that still is. With many work and tasks done, with many demands which are coming and with tired eyes of finishing it before time, or trying to always be on time.
Woman psyhology isnt simple thing, its much more complicated than man. But when woman is proudly standing with standing rock, or how she call it from her country sitting rock, she became a man. Native American man. Something beautiful to see. The chief. The horse with no name. It becomes me when its dark or when its hungry, but than it sings i am not you… I am me… I am strong empowered woman, satisfied with her goods wishing an Alfa man to guide her through emotions waves. Singing scorpions is there anybody there.
So here are few chapters, if you have been interested, i will send you more, after your opnion.
I would love that author stay anonymos, as all i have is from my mother and father. With pseudonim horse with no name.
Thank you for your time.
Woke up this morning full of ambition, focused on work and education.
In october sailing with a ship, cruise, to work there to be able to pay myself university or education to be able to do something I love, in the field where i find myself comfortable. The boat is not something for sure.
Do you have any good school for sociology, public relations and human resources?
On english please, as situation in my country for employment is in crisis, especially for sociologist.